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Love your enemies: a buddhist guide to defeating anger, ego, and self-loathing

7 Jun 2025 | Happiness, Love | 0 comments

In their collaborative work Love Your Enemies: How to Break the Anger Habit & Be a Whole Lot Happier, Robert Thurman and Sharon Salzberg delve into the profound concept of “enemies,” both external and internal, that obstruct our path to inner peace and happiness. Drawing from their extensive backgrounds in Buddhist teachings and practices, they offer insights into transforming these adversaries through compassion and self-awareness.

The Four Types of Enemies

In Love Your Enemies, Thurman and Salzberg identify four categories of “enemies” that hinder our emotional well-being and spiritual growth. These are not limited to external adversaries but also encompass internal states and patterns that perpetuate suffering.

1. The Outer Enemy

This enemy includes all external forces – people, institutions, and events – that inflict harm or seem to oppose our happiness. Whether it’s someone who insults or cheats us, a rigid social structure that marginalizes us, or broader forces like war, inequality, or loneliness, the Outer Enemy embodies opposition in the world around us.

The authors emphasize that these enemies often act out of their own suffering, perceiving us as threats to their happiness. Responding with hate only reinforces cycles of harm. The antidote? Love – not in a sentimental sense, but as the active choice to meet aggression with understanding, and to disarm hostility by seeking to uplift rather than destroy. Loving someone, in this context, means attempting to remove the causes of their suffering, which paradoxically weakens their enmity toward us.

2. The Inner Enemy

This enemy takes the form of toxic emotions – anger, hatred, resentment, fear – that erupt when we’re hurt or threatened. These reactions feel justified, even empowering at first. But like fire, they consume indiscriminately. Holding on to rage or vengeance poisons our ability to connect with others, and isolates us from the joy we crave.

Thurman and Salzberg suggest cultivating three forms of patience as the path forward:

  • Tolerant patience: the endurance to face challenges without retaliation.
  • Insightful patience: understanding the impermanence and subjectivity of emotional reactions.
  • Forgiving patience: the willingness to release blame and begin anew, even when we’ve been wronged.

Scientific studies back up their advice – chronic anger increases the risk of heart disease and stroke, while forgiveness and calm improve both physical health and emotional well-being.

3. The Secret Enemy

This enemy is our egoic voice – the internal monologue that sees everything through the lens of “me.” It prioritizes our needs, desires, and grievances above all else, often at the expense of reality. We may not even notice it, because it feels like our natural way of thinking.

But this voice limits our happiness by reducing the world to a battleground of personal wins and losses. Studies show that self-centered individuals tend to experience fleeting highs and deep lows, while those who live with generosity and purpose report more lasting well-being. To overcome this Secret Enemy, we must cultivate a shift in perspective: from self-preoccupation to empathy, from “What do I get?” to “How can I serve?”

4. The Super-Secret Enemy

This final and most insidious enemy lies beneath the ego – it’s the voice of self-loathing, the belief that we are unworthy of happiness, love, or meaning. Often inherited from early trauma, cultural conditioning, or chronic failure, it whispers that we don’t matter.

Left unchecked, it leads to resignation, mediocrity, and a sense that joy belongs to others – not to us. The way out? Service. Doing good for others isn’t just morally right; it’s psychologically healing. Studies cited by the authors show that acts of kindness dramatically improve self-perception and happiness. When we see ourselves helping others, we begin to believe that we are good – and worthy of good in return.

Transforming Enemies Through Compassion

Thurman and Salzberg argue that confronting and transforming these “enemies” through love, compassion, and self-awareness is essential for personal liberation and a more harmonious existence. By recognizing these internal and external adversaries, individuals can break free from destructive patterns and cultivate a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

Their teachings draw from Buddhist principles, emphasizing that true happiness arises not from external circumstances but from the cultivation of inner peace and compassion. By addressing and transforming these enemies, we can foster a deeper connection with ourselves and others, leading to a more compassionate and understanding world.

Meet the Authors

Robert Thurman: Scholar and Advocate of Tibetan Buddhism

Robert A. F. Thurman is a distinguished American Buddhist scholar and author, renowned for his expertise in Indo-Tibetan Buddhist studies. Born in 1941 in New York City, Thurman’s journey into Buddhism began after a transformative trip to India, where he became the first Westerner to be ordained as a Tibetan Buddhist monk by the 14th Dalai Lama in 1965. Although he later returned to lay life, his commitment to Buddhist teachings remained unwavering. Thurman served as the Jey Tsong Khapa Professor of Indo-Tibetan Buddhist Studies at Columbia University, holding the first endowed chair in Buddhist Studies in the West. He is also the co-founder and president of Tibet House US, an organization dedicated to preserving Tibetan culture.

Thurman’s scholarly contributions include translations and interpretations of key Buddhist texts, such as the Vimalakīrti Sūtra and The Tibetan Book of the Dead. His works aim to make complex Buddhist philosophies accessible to Western audiences, emphasizing the relevance of these teachings in contemporary society.

Sharon Salzberg: Pioneer of Mindfulness and Loving-Kindness Meditation

Sharon Salzberg is a prominent meditation teacher and author, instrumental in bringing mindfulness and loving-kindness practices to the West. Born in 1952 in New York City, Salzberg faced significant personal challenges in her early life, which led her to explore meditation as a means of finding peace and clarity. In 1974, she co-founded the Insight Meditation Society (IMS) in Barre, Massachusetts, alongside Joseph Goldstein and Jack Kornfield.

Salzberg’s teachings focus on vipassanā (insight) and mettā (loving-kindness) meditation, rooted in the Theravāda Buddhist tradition. Her numerous publications, including Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness and Real Happiness, have made meditation practices more accessible to a broad audience. Through her work, Salzberg emphasizes the transformative power of compassion and mindfulness in everyday life.

For a deeper exploration of these concepts, you might find this discussion insightful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3LkHq96OG0&ab_channel=92NYPlus

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Listening is the underrated skill that makes you a better leader instantly

25 Nov 2025 | ,

We often think of great leaders as great talkers. We imagine them giving rousing speeches, setting a clear vision, and having an answer for everything. But a massive review of scientific research suggests we have it backward. The most effective way to improve your leadership isn’t to speak more; it is to listen better.

New data shows that listening is not just a “soft skill” for making friends – it is a hard driver of job performance and professional success.

144 studies confirm listening drives performance

A recent meta-analysis published in the Journal of Business and Psychology examined the link between listening and work outcomes. The researchers looked at data from 144 studies involving more than 155,000 people.

Their conclusion was clear: listening has a strong, positive effect on employee job performance.

Leaders who are perceived as good listeners do more than just make their employees feel warm and fuzzy. They actually get better results. The study found that listening improves the quality of relationships at work, which in turn boosts performance. When employees feel heard, they perform better. This dynamic helps leaders unlearn bias and lower conflict within teams.

As the researchers noted, the link between listening and positive job outcomes is “robust.” They suggest that listening is an underrated predictor of job performance – a simple cause of superior results that many organizations overlook.

Why we love to talk about ourselves

If listening is so effective, why is it so hard? Why do so many of us default to talking instead?

The answer lies in our biology. A study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) found that talking about ourselves is inherently rewarding. In fact, humans devote about 30–40 percent of everyday speech to informing others about their own subjective experiences – their thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

Using brain scans, researchers found that self-disclosure activates the mesolimbic dopamine system – the same brain regions associated with the pleasure we get from food, money, and sex. It feels good to talk about yourself.

The drive is so strong that people in the study were willing to give up money just to keep talking about themselves. When given a choice between answering questions about others for a higher payment or answering questions about themselves for a lower payment, participants voluntarily gave up between 17 and 25 percent of their potential earnings to talk about their own views.

We are wired to broadcast. To lead effectively, you have to fight that wiring.

The power of follow-up questions

You can become a better listener instantly by changing how you ask questions. It is not enough to just stay silent; you need to show you are engaged.

Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that the specific type of question you ask matters. The study showed that asking follow-up questions – questions that ask for more detail on what the other person just said – dramatically increases how likable you appear.

When you ask a follow-up question, you prove you were listening. You signal validation, care, and understanding. This simple habit makes you more persuasive and influential because, as other research in Frontiers in Psychology shows, likable people are better at influencing those around them.

Asking follow-up questions and recalling small details are among seven habits that mark an exceptional listener, and this research confirms it is a key tool for leaders.

Feeling known leads to feeling supported

Listening does more than build rapport; it meets a fundamental human need.

A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that employees feel less objectified when their boss knows them as people, rather than just as workers or numbers. Furthermore, research linked to the Journal of Experimental Psychology suggests that “feeling known” is a necessary precursor to “feeling supported.”

You cannot support an employee you do not know. You cannot help them reach their career goals if you never asked what those goals were. You cannot solve their roadblocks if you never listened to what those roadblocks are.

What you can do about it

To become a better leader today, flip the ratio of your conversations.

  • Talk less. Recognize that your brain wants the dopamine hit of talking about yourself. Resist it.
  • Ask for their story, not yours. Instead of telling your team about your weekend or your problems, ask about theirs.
  • Use the follow-up rule. When an employee answers, do not just nod and move on. Restate what they said or ask one follow-up question based on what they just said.
  • Listen to learn. You already know what you know. The only way to learn something new is to listen to what others know.

Mastering conversation: how active listening keeps dialogue engaging is a skill you can practice in every interaction, whether with a colleague, a client, or a friend.

Sources & related information

Journal of Business and Psychology – The Power of Listening at Work – 2023

A meta-analysis of 144 studies involving 155,000 observations found that perceived listening is strongly correlated with improved job performance and relationship quality.

Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences – Disclosing information about the self is intrinsically rewarding – 2012

Neuroimaging research shows that self-disclosure activates the brain’s reward systems, motivating people to talk about themselves even at a financial cost.

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology – It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask – 2017

A series of studies demonstrates that asking follow-up questions increases interpersonal liking by signaling responsiveness and listening.

The Pratfall Effect: why making mistakes can make you more likable

23 Nov 2025 | ,

Perfection is often overrated. While we strive to be flawless in job interviews or first dates, psychology suggests that being too perfect can actually push people away. A small blunder, like tripping or spilling a drink, might do more for your popularity than a flawless performance. This phenomenon is known as the Pratfall Effect.

What is the Pratfall Effect?

The Pratfall Effect is a psychological principle that states that a person’s likability increases when they make a clumsy mistake, but only if that person is already perceived as competent.

Social psychologist Elliot Aronson first identified this effect in 1966. He wanted to test how mistakes influence attraction. In his famous experiment, he asked male college students to listen to tape recordings of people answering quiz questions.

The participants heard one of two main scenarios:

  1. The Superior Person: This person answered 92% of the questions correctly. They sounded confident and knowledgeable.
  2. The Average Person: This person answered only 30% of the questions correctly.

Aronson then added a twist. In some recordings, the “Superior Person” commits a blunder at the end: they are heard spilling a cup of coffee and reacting to the mess.

The results were clear. The students rated the Superior Person who spilled the coffee as the most likable of all. The blunder made the highly competent person seem more human and approachable.

The catch: competence is key

There is a crucial condition to this effect. A mistake only helps you if you have already established your competence.

In Aronson’s experiment, when the “Average Person” (who missed most quiz questions) spilled the coffee, their likability rating dropped even further.

  • If you are competent: A mistake humanizes you. It breaks the “too good to be true” barrier and prevents others from feeling threatened by your perfection.
  • If you are incompetent: A mistake just reinforces the idea that you are not capable. It acts as proof of inadequacy.

This distinction is vital. You cannot simply be clumsy and expect to be popular. You must first demonstrate that you are good at what you do. The blunder acts as a softener for your competence, not a substitute for it.

Real-world examples: from Jennifer Lawrence to brands

We see the Pratfall Effect in action in celebrity culture and marketing.

The relatable celebrity

Jennifer Lawrence is often cited as a modern example. Her frequent trips on the red carpet or candid, unpolished interviews often endear her to the public. Because she is an Oscar-winning, highly successful actress (high competence), these slips make her seem “down to earth” rather than clumsy.

The honest brand

Marketing experts use a similar concept known as the “blemishing effect.” When a brand admits a small flaw, consumers often trust it more. For example, Guinness: the beer brand famously turned a negative – the long time it takes to pour a pint – into a legendary slogan: “Good things come to those who wait.”

Why perfectionism harms connection

The Pratfall Effect challenges the idea that we must hide our flaws to be accepted. In social situations, perfection creates distance. We often struggle to connect with someone who seems to have no weaknesses because we cannot relate to them. This relates to understanding conversational biases to become more likable, where showing genuine engagement often matters more than saying the perfect thing.

When a competent person slips up, it levels the playing field. It signals vulnerability. This vulnerability fosters trust and signals that the person is authentic, not a curated persona.

What you can do about it

You do not need to stage accidents or spill coffee on purpose. However, you can change how you react to your own errors.

  • Don’t hide every flaw: If you are good at your job, admitting a small error or a gap in knowledge can make you more approachable to your team.
  • Own your blunders: When you trip or misspeak, laugh it off. Trying to cover it up often looks worse than the mistake itself.
  • Build competence first: Remember that this effect relies on a foundation of skill. Focus on being capable and reliable first.
  • Accept imperfection in others: Just as your mistakes humanize you, seeing others stumble is a reminder that everyone is human. This perspective can help reduce judgment and social anxiety.

Sources & related information

Elliot Aronson – The Effect of a Pratfall on Increasing Interpersonal Attractiveness – 1966

The original study published in Psychonomic Science where Aronson and his colleagues demonstrated that a blunder increases the attractiveness of a superior person but decreases the attractiveness of a mediocre person.

The Guardian (ZenithOptimedia) – The Pratfall effect and why brands should flaunt their flaws – 2015

An analysis of how brands like Guinness and VW use the Pratfall Effect to build trust by admitting minor weaknesses, making their core claims more believable.

Journal of Consumer Research – The blemishing effect – 2012

Research showing that under certain processing conditions, a small amount of negative information can actually enhance the positive impression of a product.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=traKGc2NDWQ

Endmyopia claims to reverse nearsightedness naturally (but science remains skeptical)

23 Nov 2025 |

Imagine never needing your glasses again. No surgery, no contacts, just… fixing your eyes yourself. That’s the big promise of Endmyopia, a popular online method created by Jake Steiner. He claims you can reverse nearsightedness (myopia) just by changing your habits.

It sounds awesome, right? But before you throw away your glasses, you need to know that most eye doctors and scientists say it’s not that simple. Here is the lowdown on what this method is, why people try it, and why the medical consensus says it probably won’t work like you think.

The big claim: “Your glasses are the problem”

Endmyopia is based on a simple idea: your eyes aren’t broken; they are just reacting to your environment.

It starts with a muscle cramp

The theory goes like this: when you spend hours staring at your phone or laptop, a focusing muscle inside your eye gets tired and cramps up. This is called pseudo-myopia. At first, your vision is only blurry because of this cramp.

Then your eye grows longer

The controversial part is what happens next. Steiner says that when you wear glasses to fix that blur, your eye physically grows longer to “adapt” to the lenses. A longer eyeball is what causes true nearsightedness. Basically, the method claims your glasses trap you in a cycle that makes your vision worse.

The “fix”: training your eyes

To reverse this, Endmyopia tells you to do two things:

  1. Use weaker glasses: Instead of your full prescription, you wear weaker glasses for close-up work (like homework or gaming) to stop the eye strain.
  2. Practice “Active Focus”: This is a mental trick. You look at something far away that is slightly blurry (like a street sign) and try hard to make it clear just by focusing. The idea is that this effort forces your eyeball to shrink back to its normal size.

What science says

Here is the problem: Eye doctors agree that once your eyeball grows too long, it usually stays that way. It’s like your height – once you grow tall, you don’t shrink back down just because you want to.

Your eyeballs aren’t like muscles

You can train a muscle to get bigger, but you can’t really train an eyeball to get shorter. While atropine drops or special contact lenses can slow down eye growth in kids, there is no scientific proof that you can reverse it significantly once it’s happened.

Wearing weak glasses might backfire

Trying to fix your eyes by wearing weaker glasses can actually make things worse. A famous study (Chung et al., 2002) showed that under-correcting vision (wearing glasses that are too weak) made kids’ eyes grow faster, not slower. Blurry vision seems to signal the eye to keep growing, which is the exact opposite of what you want.

Why do some people swear it works?

If science says it doesn’t work, why are there so many success stories online? Read on Reddit: I was able to effectively fully cure myopia with my own methodology of eye exercises and discussions about do eye exercise really work?.

Brain training vs. Eye shrinking

When you practice looking at blurry things, your brain gets smarter at guessing what it’s seeing. This is called blur adaptation. You might be able to read a sign further away, not because your eyes are fixed, but because your brain is better at decoding the fuzzy image. You are “seeing” better, but your nearsightedness hasn’t actually disappeared.

Is there any hope?

Interestingly, some new research on red light therapy shows that specific light treatments might slightly shorten the eye.

Is it worth trying?

Trying to fix your eyes this way takes a huge amount of time – years of daily practice. Walking around (or driving!) with blurry vision can be dangerous.

Sources & related information

Study: Weak glasses make eyes worse (2002)

A major study showed that giving kids weaker glasses actually made their nearsightedness get worse faster.

Experts: Can you reverse myopia?

Eye doctors explain that while eye spasms can be fixed, the actual shape of a nearsighted eye is permanent.

Endmyopia Website

The source of the “active focus” method and the theory that glasses are to blame.

Red Light Therapy Study (2022)

A study showing that a specific type of red light therapy could shrink the eye slightly, proving some change is possible.