Saying “Sorry you feel that way” is a gaslighting tactic that hurts

We often think of great leaders as great talkers. We imagine them giving rousing speeches, setting a clear vision, and having an answer for everything. But a massive review of scientific research suggests we have it backward. The most effective way to improve your leadership isn’t to speak more; it is to listen better.

New data shows that listening is not just a “soft skill” for making friends – it is a hard driver of job performance and professional success.

144 studies confirm listening drives performance

A recent meta-analysis published in the Journal of Business and Psychology examined the link between listening and work outcomes. The researchers looked at data from 144 studies involving more than 155,000 people.

Their conclusion was clear: listening has a strong, positive effect on employee job performance.

Leaders who are perceived as good listeners do more than just make their employees feel warm and fuzzy. They actually get better results. The study found that listening improves the quality of relationships at work, which in turn boosts performance. When employees feel heard, they perform better. This dynamic helps leaders unlearn bias and lower conflict within teams.

As the researchers noted, the link between listening and positive job outcomes is “robust.” They suggest that listening is an underrated predictor of job performance – a simple cause of superior results that many organizations overlook.

Why we love to talk about ourselves

If listening is so effective, why is it so hard? Why do so many of us default to talking instead?

The answer lies in our biology. A study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) found that talking about ourselves is inherently rewarding. In fact, humans devote about 30–40 percent of everyday speech to informing others about their own subjective experiences – their thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

Using brain scans, researchers found that self-disclosure activates the mesolimbic dopamine system – the same brain regions associated with the pleasure we get from food, money, and sex. It feels good to talk about yourself.

The drive is so strong that people in the study were willing to give up money just to keep talking about themselves. When given a choice between answering questions about others for a higher payment or answering questions about themselves for a lower payment, participants voluntarily gave up between 17 and 25 percent of their potential earnings to talk about their own views.

We are wired to broadcast. To lead effectively, you have to fight that wiring.

The power of follow-up questions

You can become a better listener instantly by changing how you ask questions. It is not enough to just stay silent; you need to show you are engaged.

Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that the specific type of question you ask matters. The study showed that asking follow-up questions – questions that ask for more detail on what the other person just said – dramatically increases how likable you appear.

When you ask a follow-up question, you prove you were listening. You signal validation, care, and understanding. This simple habit makes you more persuasive and influential because, as other research in Frontiers in Psychology shows, likable people are better at influencing those around them.

Asking follow-up questions and recalling small details are among seven habits that mark an exceptional listener, and this research confirms it is a key tool for leaders.

Feeling known leads to feeling supported

Listening does more than build rapport; it meets a fundamental human need.

A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that employees feel less objectified when their boss knows them as people, rather than just as workers or numbers. Furthermore, research linked to the Journal of Experimental Psychology suggests that “feeling known” is a necessary precursor to “feeling supported.”

You cannot support an employee you do not know. You cannot help them reach their career goals if you never asked what those goals were. You cannot solve their roadblocks if you never listened to what those roadblocks are.

What you can do about it

To become a better leader today, flip the ratio of your conversations.

• Talk less. Recognize that your brain wants the dopamine hit of talking about yourself. Resist it.
• Ask for their story, not yours. Instead of telling your team about your weekend or your problems, ask about theirs.
• Use the follow-up rule. When an employee answers, do not just nod and move on. Restate what they said or ask one follow-up question based on what they just said.
• Listen to learn. You already know what you know. The only way to learn something new is to listen to what others know.

Mastering conversation: how active listening keeps dialogue engaging is a skill you can practice in every interaction, whether with a colleague, a client, or a friend.

Sources & related information

Journal of Business and Psychology – The Power of Listening at Work – 2023

A meta-analysis of 144 studies involving 155,000 observations found that perceived listening is strongly correlated with improved job performance and relationship quality.

Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences – Disclosing information about the self is intrinsically rewarding – 2012

Neuroimaging research shows that self-disclosure activates the brain’s reward systems, motivating people to talk about themselves even at a financial cost.

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology – It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask – 2017

A series of studies demonstrates that asking follow-up questions increases interpersonal liking by signaling responsiveness and listening.

Perfection is often overrated. While we strive to be flawless in job interviews or first dates, psychology suggests that being too perfect can actually push people away. A small blunder, like tripping or spilling a drink, might do more for your popularity than a flawless performance. This phenomenon is known as the Pratfall Effect.

What is the Pratfall Effect?

The Pratfall Effect is a psychological principle that states that a person’s likability increases when they make a clumsy mistake, but only if that person is already perceived as competent.

Social psychologist Elliot Aronson first identified this effect in 1966. He wanted to test how mistakes influence attraction. In his famous experiment, he asked male college students to listen to tape recordings of people answering quiz questions.

The participants heard one of two main scenarios:

1. The Superior Person: This person answered 92% of the questions correctly. They sounded confident and knowledgeable.
2. The Average Person: This person answered only 30% of the questions correctly.

Aronson then added a twist. In some recordings, the “Superior Person” commits a blunder at the end: they are heard spilling a cup of coffee and reacting to the mess.

The results were clear. The students rated the Superior Person who spilled the coffee as the most likable of all. The blunder made the highly competent person seem more human and approachable.

The catch: competence is key

There is a crucial condition to this effect. A mistake only helps you if you have already established your competence.

In Aronson’s experiment, when the “Average Person” (who missed most quiz questions) spilled the coffee, their likability rating dropped even further.

• If you are competent: A mistake humanizes you. It breaks the “too good to be true” barrier and prevents others from feeling threatened by your perfection.
• If you are incompetent: A mistake just reinforces the idea that you are not capable. It acts as proof of inadequacy.

This distinction is vital. You cannot simply be clumsy and expect to be popular. You must first demonstrate that you are good at what you do. The blunder acts as a softener for your competence, not a substitute for it.

Real-world examples: from Jennifer Lawrence to brands

We see the Pratfall Effect in action in celebrity culture and marketing.

The relatable celebrity

Jennifer Lawrence is often cited as a modern example. Her frequent trips on the red carpet or candid, unpolished interviews often endear her to the public. Because she is an Oscar-winning, highly successful actress (high competence), these slips make her seem “down to earth” rather than clumsy.

The honest brand

Marketing experts use a similar concept known as the “blemishing effect.” When a brand admits a small flaw, consumers often trust it more. For example, Guinness: the beer brand famously turned a negative – the long time it takes to pour a pint – into a legendary slogan: “Good things come to those who wait.”

Why perfectionism harms connection

The Pratfall Effect challenges the idea that we must hide our flaws to be accepted. In social situations, perfection creates distance. We often struggle to connect with someone who seems to have no weaknesses because we cannot relate to them. This relates to understanding conversational biases to become more likable, where showing genuine engagement often matters more than saying the perfect thing.

When a competent person slips up, it levels the playing field. It signals vulnerability. This vulnerability fosters trust and signals that the person is authentic, not a curated persona.

What you can do about it

You do not need to stage accidents or spill coffee on purpose. However, you can change how you react to your own errors.

• Don’t hide every flaw: If you are good at your job, admitting a small error or a gap in knowledge can make you more approachable to your team.
• Own your blunders: When you trip or misspeak, laugh it off. Trying to cover it up often looks worse than the mistake itself.
• Build competence first: Remember that this effect relies on a foundation of skill. Focus on being capable and reliable first.
• Accept imperfection in others: Just as your mistakes humanize you, seeing others stumble is a reminder that everyone is human. This perspective can help reduce judgment and social anxiety.

Sources & related information

Elliot Aronson – The Effect of a Pratfall on Increasing Interpersonal Attractiveness – 1966

The original study published in Psychonomic Science where Aronson and his colleagues demonstrated that a blunder increases the attractiveness of a superior person but decreases the attractiveness of a mediocre person.

The Guardian (ZenithOptimedia) – The Pratfall effect and why brands should flaunt their flaws – 2015

An analysis of how brands like Guinness and VW use the Pratfall Effect to build trust by admitting minor weaknesses, making their core claims more believable.

Journal of Consumer Research – The blemishing effect – 2012

Research showing that under certain processing conditions, a small amount of negative information can actually enhance the positive impression of a product.